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FIVESTARLUXURY

All Fall Down

LOVE TAKE OVER

Five go mad in Ibiza

I have just received a strange VHS through my slot as I arrive home from the workhouse.

It's labeled "Spain, 1985" - it must be someone's holiday video.

I'll tell you what is on the recording...

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The memories start with some pesky joy riders. Hurtling at break-neck speed down a dusty path. All hanging out the side of the stolen jeep laughing and smiling as though nothing mattered. No cares in the world. Not a thought for the poor sap who will get up that afternoon (post-siesta) and discover their livelihood has disappeared - their means for getting around with their deliveries has been snatched from under their very nose.

Shameful!

No, wait, it's not some joy riders after all, it's the famous five - all dressed in 80's summer clothes and colours trundling on their way to the hotel for their summer break. How lovely.

There are five people.

None of them are driving. WTF?

They pull up outside their lovely home for the fortnight. Denise turns all psychic on us - "I can see what is on your mind" She can tell cos she knows the signs.

(Where did she find these latest ear-baubles, viewer? Hmmm? Spanish gypsies, methinks!)

Wearing totally inappropriate clothes for the weather (Lozza is in a shirt and tie for goodness sake!) they arrive at their villa and are greeted by a creepy caretaker - a quick shake of the hand and they're in! (Did I see Steds wipe his hand afterwards?)

Being served as they sit next to the pool Steds is wearing sunglasses turned down by Top Gun for being too silly. They are all drinking colourful cocktails - even 12 year old Delroy? No, he's on fruit juice - how sensible. I bet naughty Dozza will slip him a quick vodka when Mummy and Daddy are having their siesta.

They run their hands through the water - they are excited because they never have time to sit and wonder at even a bathful of water at home - there are too many of them needing to get washed and cleaned for those press interviews and video shoots! How sweet they look.

Then comes the warning. Lozza and Delroy leer at the camera and sing "Don't think you're smart". Lozza fans herself graciously with, well, a fan (no, not Audrey!)

"Don't hide your heart" warn Steds and Dozza (sunglasses removed).

Instantly they are transported to the balcony (something they will echo in a later rock-strewn video, eagle-eyed viewers...) They mop their brows in the heat. Below Denny is alone (Rock My . . . ), spins around and sings "You gotta let Lu-u-u-u-uve Take Ov-u-uh" with immaculate timing - top of the class for her!

Dozza has been working overtime on the routine this time - loads of arm movements and stuff. Excellent.

We are treated to a close up of the other four upstairs on the balcony - what was it about the 80's that allowed people to clash lemon with orange? Huh?!

STOP! WAIT! Stedman is wearing a crop-top and baring some flesh! Call out the national guard!

There are a few more nifty moves and we are swept off poolside. The sun has gone in somewhat and all five are lined up performing for Mummy and Daddy behind the camera (nice camera-work, Buster!) One question floats through the viewer's mind - who on Earth put Dozza in them red boots? Why do they almost never get it perfectly right? It's usually Lozza, but she has passed the mantle to her elder sister this time.

I am excited to see that Denny's waistcoat has just been revived as a fashion item in 2005 - hooray for revivals!

The next day we see the intrepid fivesome out on dune buggies, or tricycles. They are zipping round those dunes like they are being chased by dumper trucks. What a jolly holiday Enid Blyton* has written for them!

Even on these dangerous machines they manage to sneak in some stars on their outfits - well done kids!

Quickly it's dusk and Denny is all wrapped up in her scarf. She's lost her psychic abilities, sadly - "I don't know what you feel for me".

Uh-oh - I see trouble ahead - the two boys, who we all know are useless (I read Look In cartoons) have been allowed to captain the family yacht! Man Overboard!

The compass is there, we should be alright... no wait, they are turning that wheel like it doesn't matter. I hope someone's got an eye out for any icebergs...?

But I feel strangely safe because Steds has accessorized his uniform with an orange handkerchief - that'll make all the difference.

Should someone point out to Denise that the yacht is floating toward her alarmingly?!

Later the girls giggle about the boys' incompetency - little do they know that their lives are in the hands of those incompetent boys... silly girls...

Now, I must pause here and ask what in the name of Tent records Doris is wearing here - it's a Victorian swimsuit, I think. Hideous. Totally hideous.

The boys are too excited for my liking - did anyone tell them it's not a remote control boat?

All five sing and dance on the deck - Denise is wearing that butterfly belt that had so much use throughout the next 12 months.

Hang on, did I say all 5 were singing and dancing...? Who's driving the boat?!

How much hair does it take to sink a boat? I think they're in danger of maxing out the total allowed.

Shoes seem to be a weak point in the earlier career of The Star - take a look over this video and you will see what I mean - shocking!

Scene change - there's a blimp in the night sky - KU ?

We are in an open air disco - all flashing lights, fountains and people having fun. Reminds me of Maplins, Bognor. The red coats have changed though - they're in clown styled suits - red, white and blue. Oh no, it's The Star in their latest creations - Stedman must have been to the circus. Another shocker - Delroy is waving around the blusher brush - the girls must be in a panic.

The Star are going to perform at this open air party - will people know who they are? Well, All Fall Down has charted well, so they might be known to their public.

They run on, and take up the routine. Denise is wearing a new set of hoops bigger than her head - how we love the ear baubles she shows us.

So it wasn't a holiday at all - it was just an excuse for Buster to keep the kids working and make a video at the same time - the little rascal!

The scene fades out to the bizarre blimp.

Judith Chalmers is just seen cursing in the background - "Who the feck are Five Star?" Have they been on "Through The Keyhole"? I don't think so!" She's got a mouth on her, that one.

*That should prove interesting if somebody Googles Ms Blyton, won't it?!