Blank Page

FIVESTARLUXURY

All Fall Down

SLIGHTEST TOUCH

East end electric

A classic of it's kind.

Genius story.

Mad electricity theme.

Here's what I see when it flickers before my eyes...

****************************************************************

Dramatic, vibrating beats open the scene on a dark, gloomy, wet, creepy back yard with muggers and . . . oh no, it's a nice bunch of flowers.

The flowers lower to reveal the latest crazy barnet from Essex - all big and wired. The eyes are there. Heavily (like, heavily) made up with the last appearance of the peepers. The screen glows blue (the colour of electricity, of course) and a silhouette hand moves across a frenetic lightening storm. It's gonna be a wild one....

Cut to the EastEnders market where Pete Beale is having a swift half and has left some clowns in charge of the 'barruh'. The clowns sniff the fruit to see if it's ripe (?). A small boy looks awkward in the corner of the screen.

Cut back to the crazy lady with the eyes and the hair (no, not Boy George). She moves her eyes slowly in a bid to look menacing. Is she evil? Does she have dark intent?

The rumbling tones continue.

Back at Pete's barruh the clowns slap each other as they play with the goods - nobody'll wanna part with their dosh to buy them now, you fools!

The blue hazy lady is revealed in full - all smirks and grins. Not nasty at all. She wrinkles her nose like that witch on Bewitched and the light bulbs shimmer - ooh, she has special power over the electric currents. She is a Shamen. Derek Accorah and Yvette Fielding are called out on an emergency.

The barruh clowns look on as the light bulbs flicker - one DelBoy clown flicks the bulb with his finger - is he mad - don't play with electricity - didn't Delores teach ya anything, young fella-me-lad?!

The lights switch themselves off - he drops the fruit and spins on his heels. He doesn't like what he sees. This isn't just an ordinary generator failure - that happened last week.

The demented lady flings the bunch of flowers she was (badly) hiding behind over her shoulder. Doris barruh clown catches them, sniffs them and casts them aside disgruntled. (Ungrateful cow!)

Strange glowing lady moves into view between two pillars (the market just went up-market, didn't it?) as the four barruh clowns group together to spy the antics that spill forth.

Who is she? they mutter and gesture?

The silhouette hand moves across the growing electric storm (is Buster fixing the fuse for those light bulbs? he's very resourceful, you know).

Mysterious lady dances like the funny, rude women at the start of Tales of the Unexpected and continues to glow - has she picked up some luminous sea algae on her travels?

The electric storm grows and the hand moves around.

Electric woman poses like she's on a Vogue photo shoot. Then, she transforms from her dinner suit and coat into a brown leather, suedette jumpsuit with chains and studs.

Nobody blinks an eye.

Another Siegfried and Roy trick wasted on the clowns.

She stops glowing and gets down to the song.

She skips across the market in her new get up that nobody seems to have noticed and knocks Stedman clown over onto a convenient sack of, er, something (spuds?)

Not an apology or a single attempt to help from the dancing, skipping, non-glowing lady. Charming.

Instead she just jigs about rambling on about electric love (careful!) while wearing her mis-matched earrings (she was obviously too busy glowing to match her outfit up properly - just grabbed the first thing she saw and stuck it in her ear).

DelBoy and Doris clown have moved over to Delores' knitting and casuals stall and are playing with the wool (as you do when a freaky glowing, clothes transforming woman appears).

Stedman clown is a bit brighter than the rest and has worked out the connection between the woman's appearance and the light bulbs going off. He tries to impress Lorraine clown by pretending to be able to turn them back on just by pointing at them. (Sadly he does not notice the continuity error and turns lights back on that were on a mere second before).

Glowing Denise (for that is her name) bobs up and down and gets her exploded hair in her eyes.

A man masquerading as Einstein pops his head out of his laboratory window and clicks away to the rhythm of Glowing Denise's warbling. (Isn't it amazing how many science laboratory windows overlook East End markets?)

As Glowing Denise fails to control her ability to not dance about while in the street the 4 barruh clowns look on in amazement.

Einstein impersonating man chucks a whole load of leaflets out into the marketplace (and swiftly disappears to avoid a litter violation ticket). Glowing Denise picks up one of his badly designed leaflets and falls for the hook - "Let the Miracle of Science Change You" (as though she hasn't changed enough since SOoML...)

Suddenly indoors, the Einstein impersonating man has harnessed the electric storm that Buster was fiddling with earlier while replacing the fuse. He plays with his knobs while the barruh clowns look on.

Glowing Denise is wittering on about how someone turns her into a raving maniac - ah, that explains a lot.

There is obviously not enough power being generated form the harnessed electrical storm, so the false scientist makes Glowing Denise work a treadmill to get more power. He needs the power!

He is ecstatic that Glowing Denise is building the charge to the kind of levels he needs.

She's at it again....

She's back in her dinner suit and coat. And he hasn't noticed a thing. Does nobody identify with fashion in the East End?!

Impostor scientist realises the time is right and leaves the room (there must be enough power to boil the water for his cup of tea, or something).

Oops, big mistake - the barruh clowns break into the room just as Glowing Denise starts sparking and emanating electric rays.

The numb-skulls fiddle about with the controls sending Glowing Denise into a frenzy - she is becoming uncontrollable! Watch out!

The singing, dancing battery spins around and generates enough power to keep Blackpool lit for a fortnight.

They realise she's about to explode and peg it back out the window - those rapscallions!

Imposter scientist man returns with his cup of tea and FINALLY notices Glowing Denise has transformed. He fails to notice the sparks of electricity shooting from the top of her head, of course! So hot has she become that she has melted and evaporated the treadmill - that's gonna cost him on his insurance!

"There's one thing that you should know.

I'm about to lose my self control." (You mean you've had some up until now?!)

Glowing Denise rebels against her Frankenstein keeper and escapes his laboratory, slamming the door shut behind her. The impostor makes no attempt to stop her - he realises his days masquerading as Einstein are numbered with Glowing Denise on the case.

The enraged lady trots into the newly deserted marketplace and by the sheer force of will makes the four barruh clowns dance in formation to help her relieve her frustration. Fabulous!

It's lucky for them that the local busker has got his electric guitar plugged in - he twangs a little ditty out for them to strut to. Bless.

The fairly dumb and blind barruh clowns are truly silly - they haven't noticed that they are not in an East End market at all - the pretend painted backdrop appears to be some Italian square or Piazza and they are trapped in another dimension altogether. When will they ever learn? Don't let Buster play with the fuses!

Glowing Denise has reached her peak and turns the day into night while transforming the barruh clowns into fellow dinner guests and the non-existent dining table.

Doris clown seems to have turned herself into Minnie Mouse for the occasion. Nice.

They continue to strut about while Buster's magic hand calms the electric storm overhead.

Will Glowing Denise lose her shocking affliction?

Will the clowns finally notice what is going on?

Will the fake scientist be arrested for impersonating Einstein?

Will Delores sell any casuals off the stall?

Will Frizz Ease help Denise's locks?

Will Buster fix that darned fuse?

Will Pete be annoyed when he comes back from the Queen Vic?

Will we ever know?

Oh, and Shep Pettibone gets an award.

Easy peasy when you look at it properly....