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STAY OUT OF MY LIFE

Don't come back!

Dusting down my crevices I came across some old manuscripts and one of them turned out to be the translation of the Stay Out Of My Life video. Imagine my surprise...

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Half the screen displays a close up Denise with tied back hair and the most amount of eye make-up seen since Boy George.

Film countdown begins as Denise looks around to find the more subtle earrings she seems to have mislaid.

Second half of the screen unveils the films as they go back in time (except they're going forward in time, but we'll ignore that).

Denise can't seem to find her mislaid subtle earrings, decides to stick with the pirate efforts she has on and starts to sing, full screen.

The group are bejewelled in red catsuits, the odd red glove and, no, wait... Lorraine doesn't seem to be wearing anything that does not match the costume. Methinks Daddy has had a word. So, the group are in some darkened room at the back of Sunningdale Mansions with bits of film hanging all over the place and a mop and bucket in the back. The cleaning lady and her cigarette have just left the room, it seems.

A car drives down a back road in darkest Luhndun town - is it the set of Prime Suspect?

Cars stop at some traffic lights.

It's going to be an unusual episode of Top Gear, I can tell. Jeremy Clarkson is gonna look awful in red.

We are treated to the odd glimpse of the other group members but Denise is hogging that camera again. The spangly red costumes are the only thing that makes them stand out as they are projected onto the side of buildings and onto the back of some poor man's coat.

The roads are dark and wet, but The Star are all cosy inside as they dance their routine for Mummy and Daddy.

There is much arm flinging and moody looks - something is not well at Sunningdale Mansions - has Mrs Mop thrown it all in to go and work for the Jacksons?!

The routine continues as the poor camera man has to wander the dark and dangerous streets of Luhndun while The Star twirl back and fore in their ruby slippers, er, I mean costumes.

There must be a problem with Mrs Mop because Doris throws a cold bucket of water over the camera in a fit of rage.

Denise witters on about some kind of scientific senses coming down from above, but it's more like some dirty, cold water running down the lense if you ask me.

Doris flings another bucket of cold water over the now sodden cameraman. Mummy and Daddy are not impressed by the young whippersnappers' antics - there'll be tears before bedtime.

It all starts to become clear - Mrs Mop has thrown in her chamoise leather and hopped it to California to work for the Jacksons. The Star are not impressed and tell her to Stay Out of Their Lives - they don't wanna know the truth. They are happy to believe that she is just a selfish old lady. They throw buckets of water after her as she runs down the drive into the cold, dark night.

As the poor old lady staggers through the streets all she can see is images of The Star on walls, in windows, on cars, on strangers backs...

The Star stand firm and show they are resolute by raising their arms slowly in the air and wave them back and fore - the lady ain't coming back to Sunningdale Mansions, that's for sure!

Doris swings on a rope outside the Charter Office Supplies.

Stedman does his own Tarzan impression too.

Denise performs a jinx on the old lady by flicking her wrist and bringing her hand in front of her heavily made-up eyes - she doesn't want to see the old lady ever again!

Stedman swings past again.

Denise has a go on the rope as well.

They tell her again and again - Stay Out Of My Life. Stay out of the darkness when I'm reaching for you - now they're threatening the poor old dame. The Star are really showing their darker side here - jinxes, threats, ropes, buckets, ruby, er... ahem.

Hang on, the stranger in the coat turns out to be Stedman - is he in cahoots with the old lady? What's going on?!

More water is thrown.

More dancing is had.

More dark looks are made.

Oh no, it's okay, Stedman is just looking for the Tasty Cafe - he's just after a good bacon sarnie before he gets to bed. Better hope the rest of The Star don't find out. They'll all want one!

Finally Denise dances the wrong way and the whole video comes to a crashing end.

It's a simple one this. But completely classic.

Arty.

Dark.

Broody.

I felt sorry for the old lady, though.